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June 29, 2005

347: Ultimate CelebMatch Cagefight!

Pete informs me that CelebMatch has paired him with, of all freaking people, my sworn enemy... Catherine Zeta-Jones.

I don't really know what my problem is with her, I'll be honest. For whatever reason, we were put on this planet to destroy each other like Terminators. I know she feels the same way. Some nights she stares out of her window, fists clenched and teeth gritted, furious that I've managed to survive another day. When she tells you about T-Mobile, I know that little smirk is meant for me. She's not thinking about how many "anytime" minutes you'll get -- she's thinking about how my days are numbered.

Honestly, I don't know where this all comes from so I won't even try to explain it. It's just something you know, the way you know when to stop squeezing the toothpaste so you get just the right amount on your toothbrush. You feel it in your gut.

When I tell people this, of course, they're disturbed.

What's weird is that everyone just accepts that Mrs. Douglas and I are like Superman and Bizarro, brought together by fate and a thirst for blood. People just accept it without question. What they don't accept, however, is that it's Catherine Zeta-Jones I'm meant to destroy. No one ever says, "Wow, Ashley, that's completely weird. What's wrong with you?" Everyone says, "That's weird. I just assumed you'd like her."

This assumption is based on an assumption of an assumption. Specifically, the assumption that I like most celebrities to whom I'm assumed to bare some slight physical resemblance. As long as the celebrity people think you most resemble isn't Chelsea Clinton or Bette Midler, I think this is true of most people -- myself included. Everyone wants to be noticed for looking like someone glamorous and loved. Some people cultivate it for the compliments, sometimes going to pathetic ends just to have someone say, "Your nostrils are totally like Nicole Kidman's."

I'm not claiming that I think I look like Zeta-Jones -- I don't. I'm claiming that other people think I look enough like her to be fond of her. You know, because we both have brown hair and eyes, or something, I should be behind her 100%.

This ignores the fact that she aims to destroy me, no matter what the risk. Cars will be flipped over, buildings torched, zoo animals running through the streets... TOTAL CHAOS! Maybe as we glare at each other in our final showdown, broken fire hydrants covering everything in mist and terrified citizens running for shelter, we'll both be like, "Hey... I like your eye shadow." Who can say? Only time will tell.

Posted by ashley at June 29, 2005 09:45 AM

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