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December 01, 2004

125: I hate: (Part 1)

1) Golf umbrellas
What's a golf umbrella? It's an umbrella with the wingspan of a small plane, and has no place in normal society. These umbrellas seem to be frequently given away by large companies, who've given themselves away by marking up the umbrella's fabric with their name or logo. Thanks to this oversight, we are now free to hate "Citi-" anything.

What could be more inconsiderate in a crowded city sidewalk on a rainy day? Why must you take up two to four times the sidewalk space of any other pedestrian? Seriously, who do you think you are?

Perhaps the most annoying aspect of this situation is that users of golf umbrellas are overwhelmingly male. Unless you're P Diddy (which, honestly, I doubt you are), you are less of a man if you require a giant umbrella to protect your precious self from the rain. Pathetic.

2) Men who don't know how to properly fold a newspaper.
Unless you've commuted via train with any seriousness, you may not have any idea what I'm talking about here. My complaint also applies to subway riders, although to a far lesser degree.

When I say "newspaper" I don't mean the Post or the Daily News, I mean a real newspaper -- the kind you may be too intimidated to buy, and the kind that doesn't mention Paris Hilton.

The proper way to read a real newspaper in public is to fold each page in half, thus reducing the amount of space you require or assume you deserve. There are many incorrect ways to read a newspaper, among them is the never popular "spread the whole thing out like a jerk" method. If you open the Times to look at two full pages at once, you are a jerk and you should be caned.

3) People who litter.
Similarly, if you litter, you should be caned. You should be beaten mercilessly. And then you should be kicked into the street.
There is really no reason to ever litter. None.
Do I sound like a hippy? Well, I'm not. I just don't want to have to walk around your filth.

4) Spitting.
Spitting is like littering from your foul mouth. It is unsanitary, unattractive, and should earn you a severe caning.

5) People who don't like animals.
What's wrong with you?

Posted by ashley at December 1, 2004 09:54 AM

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