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October 14, 2004

88: Oh, and another thing!

It's another busy day at work, so it's another brief update. Deal with it.

On the way to work, I prefer to walk from the train station to the office because it gives me 15 to 20 minutes of much-needed time to myself. The unfortunate aspect of my walk is that I pass by or near many, many people and I do not (for the most part) like people. Some people walk dogs, and I feel better about them but that's mostly the byproduct of my liking their dogs. People I do not like are people who show no regard for others by walking slowly for no reason, taking up an inordinate amount of sidewalk for their meandering, people who stop short unexpectedly, people whose walking is hindered by their cellphone use, people who feel that they and their friends deserve to walk four-abreast when they do not deserve this at all, people who try to talk to or look at me, and people whose actions would annoy me in any other situation.

Today I passed by a dolt in a Yankees-fan shirt of the same quality and design aesthetic as those idiotic "I survived the blackout of 2003!" shirts (Oh, good job on that one, jerk). Like the Von Dutch epidemic, it's these type of clothing decisions which help us determine who should live and who should die.

In any event, this guy walks by in his fan-shirt and sees an occasion to publicly display a fragile security in his own masculinity. He passes by two Hispanic men in red baseball hats, who look bewildered as he taunts them with ape-like gestures and incoherent bellowing. His gait widens to the point of sauntering like a dinner theater-quality actor doing his best cowboy impression. He taunts them again, and walks off with an air of undeserved triumph.

The two men stare, perhaps not even sure that the taunting was directed at them or if it was simply a Tourette's outburst. I see then that their red hats are not even remotely related to the Red Sox, which this fool had probably assumed they were. They are indistinct tourist-shop quality baseball hats that say, of all things, "New York."

I don't hate the Yankees, but I don't like them either. Mostly I am just baffled by the irrational loyalty they inspire. It would be like saying you're a die-hard fan of the Globetrotters. Things I like about the Yankees include the fact that they are not allowed to look like ungroomed slobs, and "The Impassive Matsui." When the world ends, he will stand there, unmoved and unflinching. Is it unfair to measure masculinity by the ability to suffer horrible emotional or physical distress without emotion? Yes, maybe, but deal with it. And not like a friggin' baby!

Then again, I don't really understand sports except as a staged expression of male anxiety and the fantasy of war. I have no romantic notions about the organizational aspects of warfare as played out on the football field, but I do have romantic notions of the Mishima-variety. I can't work up a fanatical devotion to the Emperor, but maybe Morrissey can stand in for him in the meanwhile. Does he contradict my previous point? No, not at all. And he is very well-groomed, which brings us back to the Yankees and back to the topic at hand... (see how nicely that worked out?)

I prefer baseball to football, mostly because football players are, as I've said before, in possession of fat "baby arms" which seem to dangle from their shoulder pads. The downside of baseball is, of course, the spitting of sunflower seeds, tobacco juice, and other things (Big League Chew, anyone?). The upside of either sport is the chance for consuming junk food. But I digress...

What is my point? My point is that unless you are on the Yankees, you should not connect your ego to their successes and failures. Likewise, you should not refer to them as "we" because you have contributed nothing personally to their success aside from wasting your life in front of a TV set for them. And above anything else, if you are going to demonstrate what a small, pathetic man you are by taunting people you think are Red Sox fans... be sure that they actually are. Moron.

Posted by ashley at October 14, 2004 10:28 AM

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