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September 14, 2004
55: MTV Video Music Awards - Revised
I know the VMAs happened eons ago, so it seems strange that I should comment on it now. In my defense, I didn't see it when it first aired and I actually had no intention of ever watching it. But because MTV is prone to repeating the same programs over and over again, and then rehashing them in a series of "specials," it was virtually impossible to avoid seeing even a few minutes of the most recent VMAs.
I won't go into that tired rant about how MTV doesn't actually play music videos anymore. And yet, isn't it a little weird that they should still connect this event to music videos? Hasn't enough time passed since the age of Actually Playing Videos ended, that we could give this event another, more appropriate name? The VMAs are a vestige of a forgotten era, let's not kid ourselves or allow MTV to feel obligated to keep up this charade. Let's call a spade a spade, and call this awards ceremony something accurate. "Big PR Event For Talentless, Badly-Dressed Hacks" perhaps?
In this vein, I have made some revisions to the categories and winners.
The Are You Still Here? Lifetime Achievement Award: Jay-Z.
I thought you retired. Or, planned to. See you next year? Same time, same place? I thought so.
Could it be that your retirement announcement was just *gasp* PR? I won't miss you, I'll be honest, but hopefully your retirement means more time devoted to Beyonce's career. Your gift is in production, not rapping. So just GO already.
The Highly Annoying Award: The Black Eyed Peas, Alicia Keys.
Ooh, it's a tie.
God, so annoying. Ugh.
I can't stand the Black Eyed Peas. Don't ask me "Where is the Love?" Precious, over-produced, righteous, and highly annoying. Why is anyone so fascinated with these people? When they're not lecturing, they're penning Jock Jams like "Let's Get It Started." Ugh.
Alicia? Please. What's with this "ghetto queen" thing? She went to Columbia; is she setting her videos in the projects to counter her Ivy League education and garner credibility, or is she just affected? You decide.
The Strangest Skull Award: Usher.
It's kind of like a peanut M&M, not that there's anything wrong with that.
I'm not sure if wearing a skullcap lessens or worsens the severity of his skull. I think he's better off avoiding those large sunglasses he's been into as of late. I would suggest he investigate other head-covering options. Or parlay this into some kind of mutually beneficial deal with Mars.
The Who Are You Again? Award: JoJo.
No, really, who are you? And do your parents know you're here?
This cannot be her real name, right? Was she kidnapped from the food court and given a record contract? What's her deal anyway? Will we have to wait for the E! True Hollywood story, years after her botched armed robbery of a deli while hopped up on drugs, to figure out who she is? Actually, when you see that episode, you'll probably ask yourself 'Wait, who is she?'
The I Hate Your Name Award: Kanye West, Hoobastank.
Ooh, another tie! What are the odds?
I am tired of the Kanye West hype. I'm tired of hearing his name everywhere. But mostly, I'm just tired of his name. I don't know why "Kanye" sounds so foolish, but it is. It sounds like a form of yoga or seasoning.
You know what this chutney needs? A dash of Kanye!
And I don't have to explain why "Hoobastank" is a bad name.
The I Hate Your Genre Award: Rap music.
Arguably, it's pop music that's really going to send us all to Hell, but I'm tired of that "oh, pop music is so soulless... it's the product of the music industry and blah blah blah" stuff. No, pop music is the product foolish consumers who throw money at crappy bands. If you don't like it, stop buying it or stop complaining.
But it's really rap music that's the threat. Never have so few done so much to ruin the speech patterns of so many. It's like a social opiate. Should we be celebrating the admiration of "pimps" and credit-funded bling? Your kid is better off having sleepovers with Marilyn Manson.
The Trailer Trash Award: Britney Spears.
Man, how many years is this, now? She owns this category! Oh, and congrats on the engagement! *snicker* *snicker*
I like how she's taking her second marriage more seriously than her first, as if this new guy is really worth anything. Will the mother of his illegitimate children attend the ceremony? Will the groom even shave? Tacky, tacky, tacky.
The Oh... Wait... You're Annoying, Too Award: Maroon-5.
Whoops, almost forgot about you guys!
It's like they woke up one morning, and realized their calling in life -- to write the soundtracks to insufferable romantic comedies. And the icing on the cake is that they seem to be as annoying as their music is! Is this the rebirth of Matchbox 20?
The I'm Tired of Your Hair Award: Gwen Stefani.
Seriously. I suggest some super-dark lowlights.
I'm not a fan but I appreciate she's at least making an effort to do something to stand out from the crowd. I feel this all-platinum thing is a little tired, she's been doing it for too long and it's starting to look dated (not to mention unhealthy). I think she should invest in some lowlights, add contrast or color. I also think she should thicken her brows, these are all wrong for her face shape. Gwen, call me.
The How Are You So Fabulous? Award: Beyonce.
What's your secret?
Where's that glowing skin come from? Whose moisturizer do you use? Want to come over and swap accessories? I have the perfect earrings for you! Then we can do pedicures and watch movies!! Call me!
The Most Likely to Have Been Raised on Another Planet Award: OutKast.
Let me guess -- you're not from around here.
Doesn't Andre3000 make Esquire's best-dressed list every year? How did this guy manage to get through those rough teenage years without getting beat up in every direction? He is the best alien to visit Earth since ET! And as for Big Boi, it takes a special kind of person to name their pitbull "Polar bear."
The All-Around Teen Entertainer Champion Award: Lindsay Lohan.
No, Hilary Duff is the blonde one.
Lindsey is the kinda heavy one who hangs out with Tara Reid. I know, that's so weird, right?
There's a third one, isn't there? Another one of those "I act, sing, dance, and host awards shows" girls. Who is it? Oh, whatever, they're all the same.
The Most Likely To Give Lindsay Lohan an Eating Disorder: Me.
What? Whoops!
The Stupid Hipster Award: The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
Duh!
God, I can't stand them. It's like the Breeders in the wrong decade, with a side of Lower East Side affectation. Oh yeah, it's so awesome how intense Karen O is on stage, right? Shut up. She's lame and you're lame for thinking she's not. If this were 5 years ago, she might be sporting a truckers' hat and doing the same wannabe Iggy Pop-meets-Sonic Youth thing she does now. Weak!
See you next year!
Posted by ashley at September 14, 2004 09:32 AM
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